{1}{1}23.976 {1}{72}movie info: XVID 592x320 23.976fps 700.5 MB|/SubEdit b.4066 (http://subedit.com.pl)/ {781}{876}www.NapiProjekt.pl - nowa jakoœæ napisów.|Napisy zosta³y specjalnie dopasowane do Twojej wersji filmu. {877}{949}{y:i}You can always count on|the Onion to get the story. {951}{1015}It's America's finest news source. {1045}{1095}{y:i}And now, the Onion News... {1097}{1161}{y:i}America's finest news source. {1192}{1239}{y:i}Featuring Dana Dobbs... {1241}{1303}{y:i}senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... {1305}{1385}{y:i}and award-winning anchor,|Norm Archer. {1386}{1448}We begin today|with news from Detroit... {1450}{1503}{y:i}where automaking giant,|American Automotive... {1505}{1622}{y:i}announced a safety recall of all|2004 cars containing neck belts. {1624}{1724}{y:i}The neck belts introduced last month|in an attempt to reduce head injuries... {1726}{1781}{y:i}have been found to cause|crushed tracheas... {1783}{1849}{y:i}severe spinal damage|and violent decapitation. {1850}{1900}{y:i}Daddy's home. Hi, Dad. {2034}{2156}Today, the U.S. military announced|an innovative new plan to draw new recruits. {2158}{2235}You sign up right now... {2237}{2294}{y:i}you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets... {2296}{2353}and a set of mud flaps for your truck. {2354}{2425}{y:i}Then after six months of active duty... {2426}{2486}you are eligible to receive... {2487}{2537}an ounce of weed. {2538}{2595}Sweet! {2597}{2685}{y:i}And in six more months,|a bunch more weed. {2686}{2762}You're fuckin' lying.|I get some more weed? {2764}{2854}{y:i}And if you serve a tour of duty|during a foreign conflict... {2856}{2947}you will receive|upon your discharge... this. {2949}{3036}- A hot bitch poster.|- Damn it! Sign me up! {3104}{3175}The Internet went down|for three hours this morning... {3177}{3246}plunging the nation into productivity. {3248}{3354}The outage, which caused major work|"startages" from New York to California... {3356}{3465}prevented an estimated|120 million American employees... {3466}{3539}from messing around|on the Web at work. {3541}{3604}{y:i}More Onion News after this. {3606}{3685}In a world without justice... {3713}{3771}{y:i}where the strong|prey on the weak- {3988}{4059}{y:i}One man must face|the ultimate challenge- {4061}{4114}Master, how did they defeat me? {4116}{4167}They used an ancient technique. {4169}{4286}It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength. {4323}{4392}{y:i}For this attack,|there is no defense. {4394}{4442}Master, will you teach me? {4444}{4540}- You are not yet ready, my son.|- I'm ready, master. {4604}{4662}{y:i}No, you are not.|You have much to learn. {4721}{4764}{y:i}You, young pupil... {4766}{4837}{y:i}shall become... a cockpuncher. {4838}{4897}{y:i}From Global Tetrahedron Pictures- {4898}{4989}{y:i}Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher. {5049}{5096}Stop! {5314}{5356}{y:i}Cockpuncher. {5358}{5420}I don't think you have the balls. {5422}{5477}{y:i}From Global Tetrahedron Pictures. {5478}{5543}That looks awesome! {5545}{5625}Sure does, kids.|A real whomp in the nut sack. {5626}{5686}{y:i}Honey, have you seen|my good black socks? {5766}{5827}{y:i}- Mommy, look.|- Honey? {5829}{5920}{y:i}If you see news happening,|call the Onion News hotline. {5922}{6031}{y:i}Honey, I cannot find my good black socks. {6087}{6139}{y:i}Hello? Onion News? {6346}{6415}{y:i}My baby! {6561}{6611}We're here live with|a breaking news story. {6613}{6705}Apparently, a local area man|has misplaced his black socks. {6706}{6793}Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us|exactly what happened this morning? {6794}{6889}Sure. Um, I got up.|It was a normal morning. {6890}{7004}The kids are downstairs.|And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast. {7006}{7094}And all of a sudden, I noticed|that my good black socks are missing. {7144}{7202}Here's your boy, ma'am,|safe and sound. {7204}{7254}Oh. Thanks, thanks. {7256}{7330}Look, sweetie. Look! {7332}{7385}{y:i}- The Onion News van!|- Yeah. {7449}{7511}In other news, a local|eight-year-old accidentally... {7513}{7580}exercised his Second Amendment|rights yesterday... {7582}{7681}when he blew off his head|with his father's semiautomatic rifle. {7682}{7763}The fatal incident is being hailed|by gun rights activists... {7765}{7863}as a victory for America|and the Constitution. {7942}{8046}- Nobody move, unless you want|your head blown off! {8048}{8113}- You!|- Please. Please don't shoot me. {8114}{8161}I'll give you however much you want. {8162}{8230}Whoa, whoa, whoa.|You think I want money? {8232}{8299}You think that's what this is about? {8301}{8358}A big, angry black man|comes walking in waving a gun... {8360}{8406}and you assume|he's robbing the place? {8408}{8496}I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.|I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch! {8498}{8608}- Excuse me?|- You heard me! A motherfucking job! {8610}{8698}{y:i}Don't you see? If you give me money,|that'll just help me in the short term. {8700}{8820}But a job, that'll help me develop|valuable job skills and experience. {8822}{8887}It's like teaching a man how to fish. {8889}{8954}So quit stalling,|get your bitch ass back there... {8956}{9030}and give me a 40-hour week position... {9032}{9081}with vacation pay and benefits... {9083}{9132}you piece of shit motherfucker. {9134}{9180}And don't make me ask twice. {9182}{9220}Back that ass up. {9222}{9290}{y:i}Let's go. Let's go. I can help|the next motherfuckin' person in line. {9292}{9388}{y:i}You in that apricot sweater suit,|get your bitch ass on over here now! {9390}{9438}How can I help you today? {9440}{9539}I'd like to deposit this check,|please, into my savings account,|and then I need to withdraw- {9541}{9629}Yeah, yeah, yeah.|Just shut the fuck up for a minute. {9630}{9693}What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne?|You callin' the cops? {9695}{9742}- No.|- If that's the goddamned cops- {9743}{9837}No, no, I swear. I was just on|with an account holder. I was advising him- {9838}{9906}I'm gonna kill you, bitch! {9908}{9972}Who the fuck's this?|You a cop? Mm-hmm. {9974}{10044}{y:i}Well, what I recommend is that|you keep at least 500 in your checking... {10046}{10092}to just avoid|the minimum balance fee... {10094}{10172}and put the rest in our money market which|will earn you an additional 2% interest. {10174}{10246}{y:i}Right. You have a nice day, sir.|My pleasure. Uh- {10278}{10333}Liz Anne, uh, sorry. {10334}{10381}My bad. {10382}{10438}That's okay.|Honest mistake. {10440}{10512}Armed gunman,|I've been watching you... {10514}{10607}and I must say, I'm impressed. {10609}{10674}How'd you like to be|our new customer services supervisor? {10702}{10767}{y:i}Mr. P., it'd be|my motherfuckin' honor. {11278}{11367}Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you|an annuity for 12 years on that one. {11369}{11415}I'll get you 8% on that one. {11417}{11493}Everybody down now!|Get the fuck down, everybody! {11494}{11565}Give me all the money!|Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! {11566}{11613}{y:i}What you doing?|You playing back there? {11614}{11692}Load the bag up with money,|and nobody else fucking move. {11694}{11747}You hurry up!|Hurry the fuck up! {11749}{11801}Load the bag up!|Load the bag- {11893}{11985}You sicken me.|Asking for a handout... {11987}{12070}instead of raising yourself up|out of your situation through hard work. {12072}{12171}Why don't you get a job like the rest of us? {12237}{12368}According to statistics,|87% of U.S. citizens are obese. {12370}{12455}And the surgeon general is taking steps|to address the problem. {12457}{12534}{y:i}- As a result of the rampant|spread of obesity in the U. S... {12536}{12609}the government has been forced|to raise the definition of obesity... {12611}{12692}from 55% body fat to 90%. {12694}{12756}{y:i}The move, which reduces|the number of obese Americans... {12758}{12823}{y:i}from 200 million to 185 million... {12825}{12897}was widely applauded|from coast to coast. {12898}{12993}It's high time the government stepped in|and did something about this problem. {12994}{13079}I don't wanna be obese.|Man, that shit is all fucked up. {13081}{13150}In other news,|Georgia officials announced... {13152}{13252}{y:i}plans to add a swastika and middle finger|to the Georgia state flag. {13254}{13358}Joe's Diner,|an unusual Atlanta area eatery... {13360}{13492}was not based around any sports,|music, or movie-based theme- {13494}{13562}{y:i}- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?|- Not yet. {13564}{13613}{y:i}- He's not gonna be happy.|- But he's got no choice. {13614}{13727}Whatever the new parent|company says... goes. {13764}{13834}Melissa Cherry is America's|biggest pop sensation... {13836}{13943}selling millions of records|to her legions of teenage fans. {13945}{14035}But is this young singer|sending the wrong message? {14037}{14083}Kip Kendall reports. {14085}{14151}{y:i}Her new album, Come With Me... {14153}{14234}{y:i}has gone quadruple platinum|and made her a household name. {14236}{14348}# Baby, when we kiss|my heart just skips a beat # {14350}{14459}#And when you hold my hand|Oh, I can hardly speak # {14461}{14522}# Oh, yeah|I'm down on my knees # {14524}{14607}{y:i}But some concerned parents|think Melissa Cherry's... {14609}{14656}{y:i}image and music are too sexy... {14658}{14730}setting an inappropriate|example for their children. {14732}{14829}So, what do you say to|all the concerned parents out there? {14830}{14933}Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand|what all the fuss is about. {14935}{14994}My music isn't about sex. {14996}{15090}{y:i}It's about being a girl|and having fun. {15092}{15197}But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees,"|Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it? {15198}{15257}Ew. It's about how... {15258}{15316}like, when you have|...
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