Jimmy Carr - 2007 - Comedian.txt

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(Cheering and appIause)

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Thank you very much. Good evening.
WeIcome. Hi.

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MarveIIous.

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Thank you very much for coming.

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For those of you that don't know,
I'm Jimmy Carr,

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one of the biggest faces
in British comedy.

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LiteraIIy.

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I've got one of the biggest faces.

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Look at that. It's Iike the moon.

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I'II be affecting your menstruaI cycIe
just being this cIose.

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When I toId my mum I wanted
to grow up and be a comedian,

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she said, ''You can't do both.''

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She's right - being a comedian
makes you quite immature.

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I'm sort of Iike a 1 4-year-oId boy
trapped inside a man's body.

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Not in a MichaeI Jackson way.

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Because he's a chiId at heart,
not because he fucks kids.

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Cos he definiteIy doesn't,
for IegaI reasons, so...

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This isn't a show for the easiIy offended.

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It's not even a show for peopIe
that are difficuIt to offend.

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EssentiaIIy this is a show
for peopIe without a moraI compass.

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And that's why it's nice we've got a coupIe
of chavs down the front. HeIIo!

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I did a gig in HuII. I went out to get a coffee.

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Someone came up and went,
''Are you Jimmy Carr?''

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I went, ''Yeah.''
They went, ''Are you in HuII?''

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''Yes, I am, you retard.''

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I had this amazing cab driver. He was
driving a bIack cab. He was whistIing.

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SmiIing, cIearIy having a briIIiant time.

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He said, ''I Iove my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody teIIs me what to do.''

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I said, ''Left here.''

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- Are you aII right at the back?
- (Cheering)

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ExceIIent. It's nice to hear that cos often
when I go to comedy shows -

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I go to them aII the time, I Iove
coming out to see Iive comedy.

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The thing is, if I'm sat at the back,
I'm disappointed.

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I get my ticket and go,
''For fuck's sake, I'm fucking miIes away.''

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But there are advantages
to being at the back.

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You get more of a sense of theatre,
of peopIe sharing a sense of humour.

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What a wonderfuI thing,
the British music haII spirit.

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And aIso, if you're right at the back,
this sort of thing won't happen.

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I fucked your mum.

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That's not gonna happen to any of you.

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I've got nothing but respect for your mums.

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They're hard-working, decent women.

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Your mum stiII owes me a tenner.

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I'm joking. I owe her a tenner.

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BIuff.

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I'm your reaI dad.

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I'm kidding. No one knows
who your reaI dad is.

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That isn't your mum there, is it?

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(Laughs) Sorry.

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Ah.

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This is a bit awkward. Er...

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HeIIo, sir.

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She's briIIiant in bed, isn't she?

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- Er...
- You don't remember her?

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- What, sorry? I don't remember her?
- No.

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What, that's the thing that annoys you?

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Not the fact that I fucked your mum,
the fact...

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''You don't even remember
fucking my mum?''

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ThankfuIIy you aII seem to be Iaughing.
You have taken that quite weII.

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- What's your name, sir?
- Er, JuIio.

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JuIio? How did you know
you were having a gay?

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What were you thinking as you gave birth,
''Oh, I hope he's a IittIe bender.''

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''I teII you what, I'II caII him JuIio.''

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Is that your girIfriend, or beard,
as I Iike to caII her?

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WeII done. It's aImost Iike
you're protesting too much.

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Sorry, you're cIearIy getting
a bit of a hard time.

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But you're smiIing through it,
because at a comedy gig

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you expect peopIe to be a bit, you know.

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There's a bit of banter.
You maybe weren't expecting that.

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But you were expecting a bit of banter.

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The probIem comes when you do this
six days in a row

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then find yourseIf back in the reaI worId

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doing something mundane
on a Monday morning.

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Maybe buying stamps at the post office.

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There's a bit of cheeky banter between
you and the Iady behind the pIexigIass.

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''Saw you on TV on Friday night.''

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''Did you? What did you think?''

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''WeII, you're cIearIy no match
for Jonathan Ross.''

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''WeII, that's interesting,
cos I fucked your mum.''

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''Don't cry. I'II go.''

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I saw a proper scientific survey. It said that
women can teII if a man wants a baby

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just by Iooking at the shape of his face.

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PresumabIy if it's Iike this,

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that means he doesn't want a baby.

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And if it's Iike this,

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it means that conception
wiII invoIve a turkey baster.

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What? That was my gay face.
Was that not cIear enough?

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Fine. Have it your way. Haaaa!

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Sorry, I'd Iike to apoIogise for that mime.
I negIected the baIIs.

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I saw a thing in the paper about
animaI rights protestors being up in arms

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because guinea pigs
were being used in testing.

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I thought, ''WeII, the cIue there
is in the name.''

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They don't caII them guinea pigs
for nothing. That's what they're for.

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I was in the cinema Iast week with a friend.
He turned to me.

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He said, ''I'm just going to the gents'.
Do you want anything?''

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I said, ''Yeah, bring us back some piss.
Thanks very much.''

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Maybe one of those IittIe minty things
from the urinaI.

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You know they're caIIed urinaI cakes.

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There's a disappointing birthday.

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''Did you get me a cake?''

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''It's not your favourite.''

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The fog sign on the motorway.
How pointIess is that?

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Who's it for?

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PeopIe driving aIong thinking,
''I can't see a fucking thing.

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''I wonder if I've got cataracts.

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''Oh, no, wait, Iook, it's fog. What am I Iike?''

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Do you aII do the same thing as me?
When you drive normaIIy, you drive Iike that.

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LittIe bit of fog, you drive Iike that.

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Get a bit cIoser, you get a better view,
just in case the fog is in the car.

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What I'd Iike to do now, Iadies and gents,
is teII you what this show ...